As a local councillor, you are a visible and accessible representative of your community. And people will not distinguish between you and the organisation of "the council". That means people will turn to you when they're looking for help, and particularly when they feel unheard by the system or bureaucracy. And in this case, they are likely to be disgruntled, frustrated or even visibly angry and upset.
You're likely to be approached in public and at unexpected moments. You could be doing your weekly supermarket shop, watching your child’s soccer game, or grabbing coffee with a friend. And how you respond in these moments matters. First and foremost, it matters to the individual in front of you. And more broadly, it affects how your leadership is perceived and how trust in local government is built (or eroded). If handled poorly, the conversation can quickly become unproductive. But if handled well, it can strengthen community connection and demonstrate your capacity as a calm, capable leader.
But here is the big news - it's never normally about you. Repeat that again. It's never normally about you. But how you handle the moment, is always up to you.
In this article, we share seven practical communication tools grounded in expert conflict resolution practices to help councillors respond constructively to angry or emotionally charged residents.
1. Show you care before sharing facts
As
Peter Sandman, a leading voice in risk
communication, puts it: “
People don’t care what you know until they know that you care.”
When residents approach you in a highly emotional state, the last thing they want is to be shut down or told they’re
wrong. If you jump too quickly into solutions or corrections about facts, it can escalate the situation further.
Instead, focus on listening and acknowledging
their feelings first. A simple, empathetic response shows that you value their
concerns without needing to agree or disagree on the specifics. Sandman calls this approach “acknowledging emotion before delivering information.” By doing
this, you set the stage for a more productive conversation, one where the
resident feels heard and respected.
2. Use EAR statements to de-escalate emotion
Bill Eddy, co-founder of the
High Conflict Institute, offers another helpful tool known as EAR statements. These stand for Empathy, Attention and Respect. They are powerful in calming high-conflict interactions.
Here’s how you can use EAR statements in your responses:
- Empathy: “I can see this has really impacted you.”
- Attention: “I want to hear what matters most to you.”
- Respect: “Thanks for taking the time to raise it. I’d like to understand more.”
By combining these three elements together, you show the person that you’re hearing them and you’re taking their concerns seriously. Eddy’s research suggests that EAR statements are more likely to defuse anger and frustration than logic or defensiveness ever could.
3. Try tactical empathy to build trust
“Tactical empathy” is a concept developed by former FBI hostage negotiator
Chris Voss in his book
"Never Split the Difference." It refers to the deliberate and strategic use of empathy to influence outcomes in negotiations. It brings in multiple layers to really dial up your empathy efforts.
Tactical empathy means understanding the emotions, perspectives, and motivations of the other person and using that understanding to guide your communication. It’s not about agreeing with them. It’s about showing that you genuinely understand where they’re coming from to build trust and rapport, and reduce defensiveness, especially in high-stakes or emotionally charged situations. It is important because people are more likely to trust, cooperate, and be influenced when they feel heard and understood.
How it works:
- Listen actively and attentively (using tools like mirroring and labelling).
- Identify and name emotions (e.g., “It seems like you're frustrated…”).
- Validate feelings without necessarily agreeing
- Pause to let empathy land and give space after acknowledging their perspective.
4. Integrate the human into the problem
When it comes to resolving conflict, there is a saying that you play the ball not the person. Or in other words, you separate the person from the problem. The idea is that you remain focused on solving the issue rather than getting caught up in a blame game or personal attacks.
This approach is super powerful, but it can also mean that you become detached from the human in front of you. Another way to reframe this is to integrate the human in the problem, and detach yourself from the problem. In other words, don’t take it personally!
Often, when people are angry, they bundle emotions with their frustration about the issue at hand. They may direct their anger at you personally or at council, saying things like:
- “You’re all useless at council!”
- “You don’t care about people in this town.”
- “This council is corrupt!”
It’s natural to feel defensive in these moments. However, it's important to resist the urge to engage in personal defense. Instead, stay focused on their issue and see it from a human perspective. You can say something like:
- “Let’s focus on the specific issue so I can understand what action you’re hoping for.”
- “I can’t speak for everyone, but I can explain what I know and help you take the next step towards what is important to you”
5. Ask curious, open-ended questions to calm brains
When someone is emotionally charged, asking open-ended, curious questions can defuse tension and redirect energy into problem-solving.
Doug Noll, conflict resolution expert and author of
De-Escalate, emphasises that curiosity calms the brain. When you ask questions that show genuine interest, you interrupt the fight-or-flight response and create space for mutual understanding. That’s good for you and also good for the person who is feeling aggrieved or seriously annoyed.
So instead of defending your position or offering premature solutions, invite the resident to elaborate on their concerns. This validates their perspective and gives them a sense of control. Try asking:
- “What would a good outcome look like to you?”
- “What’s most important to you here?”
- “What have you already tried?”
6. Set boundaries with compassionate authority
Even with all these strategies in your tool-kit, conversations can still get hostile or downright abusive. If this happens, it's essential to set boundaries without further escalating the situation. Sharon Ellison, creator of
Powerful Non-Defensive Communication, suggests using a calm, non-defensive tone to hold your ground while still showing respect.
For example:
- “I’m here to listen, and I’d appreciate it if we could speak without shouting.”
- “I want to have this conversation, but I need it to stay respectful so I can focus."
- “I understand you’re upset, and I want to help, but I’ll need us to take a breath first.
This kind of language models respectful communication and reinforces your role as a calm, competent leader. It also helps prevent you from burning out by making it clear that you’re a human too.
7. Use the BIFF method for clear, respectful replies
No – this does not mean BIFF, in the old fashion sense of a fist fight.
BIFF stands for - Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm. It is another communication tool designed by Bill Eddy to help people respond constructively to high-conflict individuals or emotionally charged situations.
This method is especially useful in settings where emotions can escalate quickly such as political environments or when you're dealing with a vexatious or persistent complainant. As it is a written tool, it is great to use online or in email communications.
The goal is to defuse tension, avoid blame or defensiveness, and keep the conversation focused and respectful.
- By being brief, you avoid giving unnecessary detail that could trigger further conflict.
- By being informative, you stick to the facts and avoid emotional reasoning.
- The friendly tone helps reduce hostility and keeps the communication civil, without being overly emotional or sarcastic.
- Being firm means setting boundaries or delivering a clear message without wavering or inviting back-and-forth arguments.
Summing up, handling emotionally charged conversations, especially when you're not expecting one, is one of the hardest and most important parts of civic leadership. It is key to remember that it is never usually about you, but how you respond in the moment, is 100% up to you. And what is most important is that the person feels seen, heard and respected. If you can do that, then you'll de-escalate the situation and you'll be remembered for taking time to listen and respond with care.
"People want to feel heard. And so, how you listen is often more powerful than what you say.”
Emma Broomfield - Founder & Lead Facilitator
With these seven communication tools, councillors have suite of conflict resolution tools at their finger-tips to stay calm and compassionate in the face of even the most heated conflict. Want to build these communication skills for yourself or your councillor group?
Get in touch today to find out how we can help your council build solid conflict resolution skills and deal effectuvely with high-emotion sitations. Contact our Founder & Lead Facilitator, Emma Broomfield on 0421 180 881 or contact@localelearning.com.au for a confidential and obligation free conversation.
